On the Care and Maintenance of Writers

This post was originally created over on my Patreon Page.

In recent years we have seen an explosion in the market for Literary Creation Companions, commonly known as “Writers”.

Poets have once again come in to style and Novelists are selling like nobody’s business, all of which is excellent for a multitude of reasons, not the least being that these creatures, while appearing solitary are in need of companionship, just like all other creatures. Many people find out after acquiring one of these unique and beautiful creatures, that each breed has needs specific to their environment and breed, but there are still some basic rules that you can follow to help care for your newly acquired Artist.

Environment

While there are exceptions to the rule, most Writers enjoy a nice secluded spot to put down their roots and start creating. Now, while it may look lonely, this is not them retreating from you, it is simply their natural habitat. In the initial days of bringing them home, they

tina-fey
Tina Fey

may go through a nesting period, rearranging their books and notebooks, putting things on their desk then removing them until they have found he perfect balance of clutter and function. Give them time to do this. You may not understand why the historical reference books HAVE to go on the right side of the bookcase, while the comic books take their place on the top shelf away from prying hands but it is assuredly important to them. Make sure to hug them when they appear to be content. They feel accomplished.

Friends

It is important for your Writer to have friends but these can’t be forced on them or they will become skiddish and secluded, especially when dealing with Writers. Alternatively, if overloaded with potential new “Friends” who are either a different breed, or who are non-Artists — especially in group social settings  — they may choose to find a preferred cat or another non-human creature who shares their opinion of forced social gatherings with which to bond. In general, leaving them in a secluded room with some form of writing implement and another Writer under relatively quiet and low pressure situations will likely prove to be the most fruitful in attempts to provide your new companion with a friend of their own. This process can take some time, so don’t be alarmed if your Writer continues to refuse to call or text the friends you’ve attempted to bond them to. More than likely they are simply gauging the other Artist’s receptiveness to prolonged stays within the same room while provided with caffeine, alcohol and little conversation.

Feeding

We are all familiar with our food pyramid, but let us take a moment to consider the special nutritional requirements of the Writer. For the most part their food needs are the same as ours, however you may notice some marked differences in the proportions.

food-pyramid-of-the-modern-writerThe main portion of a Writer’s diet is made up of caffeine and alcohol laden drinks, though the preferred systems of delivery may vary from one breed or individual to another. Please note that the proportions required may be reversed when your Writer has hit what is commonly known as the “Editing Phase”. Often during this period they will appear agitated or lethargic and may need greater attention. The top portion of this pyramid is the smallest, but especially at this point it becomes the most important to consider. You see, though writers will often appear to be fully functional human-like creatures at many points in their lives, across breeds it has been documented that they tend to develop a nutritional deficiency that is directly related to their investment in their current project. This appears to be a side effect of them being “productive” and is accompanied by several recognizable symptoms.

  • Eyes staring at a screen or off in to the distance at uneven intervals, followed by flurries of physical action, mostly confined to the fingers.
  • Long periods of silence, punctuated by exclamations or alternatively a consistent muttering.
  • Frozen, pen in hand or fingers over keys. Eyes unfocused. [IMPORTANT: Do not disturb them when they exhibit this behavior. It is completely normal and they will return to their work momentarily.]

When your Writer begins to display these symptoms, keep an eye on them. Make sure to suggest breaks and if symptoms persist, make sure that the top portion of the pyramid is fulfilled. Many times they are able to fulfill this portion themselves as well, but will need to be reminded that it even exists. Foods that are easily eaten cold and forgotten or non greasy finger food is highly suggested.

Cuddles

A little known aspect to Writers’ needs is their cuddle quotient. When they instinctively know that they will be soon coming to a point of extreme Creative Activity in the near future they may be intent on procuring extra cuddles in order to sustain them through their Creation Process. Periodically they will then refill their cuddle reserves as they are depleted over time. Throughoutdecember-08-2012-23-26-57-mqmq the “Editing” phase, they will likely require more frequent replenishment for shorter periods of time in order to maintain their emotional metabolism.

 

 

We do not fully understand Writers and it must be remembered that your writer is unique, entirely different from anyone else’s artist, but hopefully these tips will be useful for you when you bring home your first Literary Production Companion.

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